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During these troubling weeks of the semester, every student deserves some alone time. But on our campus, private spaces are sparse and so hard to find. “Go to your dorm,” you may say. But what if I share a room? What if my roommate is always there playing some dumb fucking video game? To the rescue comes the services of McKeldin Library.

The library graciously provides carrels on its upper floors for students to reserve. We need the privacy of the McKeldin carrels now more than ever, but it disheartens me to see them constantly being misused. The carrels exist to give students an opportunity to focus on what we really came to college for — that being mind-blowing sex.

Having just wrapped up my strenuous BGMT110 midterm project (my crayons kept going dull!) I have been in great need of stress relief. I turn to the sex carrels in hopes of reserving one to really let off some steam, only to see them all reserved. When I pass by the reserved carrels, I see people have the audacity to study in them. How selfish! These carrels were custom-made for fucking, and it is highly inconsiderate of you to reserve them for other, lowlier purposes like “preparing for your exam.”

You’re trying to “get ahead” on your work? What about those of us trying to “get some head?”  You’re trying to “get your grade up” as countless students struggle to get “it” up. Imagine you’re having the sex of a lifetime, only to be interrupted by someone in the carrel next to you “rewatching lectures.” And don’t get me started on students writing on the whiteboards, hogging them so we can’t cover the carrel windows. What business do you have with multiplying the alphabet? What even is a “proof by induction”? Can’t you just ChatGPT that shit? Idiot.

I write this letter with utmost disrespect to those of you taking the glorious sex carrels from hard-working students who need them the most (with exception to those who use the carrels to laugh and scream with their buddies — I understand how sometimes, the hundreds of seats on the first and second conference floors aren’t enough). Please reconsider your actions and consider the needs of others. Who needs a public space for studying anyway? Go do that weird shit in your car, or something, just not here.