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Upon further evaluation, the disease outbreak previously reported by the University of Maryland’s Health Center has been reclassified as a new strain of sophomore flu (influenza S virus/ISV), and the freshman Class of 2029 has been cleared of all wrongdoing.
By the end of the second week of the semester, dozens of students had reported symptoms of runny noses, irritated throats, and compulsions to demand that professors record their lectures for later viewing. The University Health Center was quick to mislabel the outbreak as an expected seasonal manifestation of freshman flu (influenza F virus/IFV), thanks to prior precedent.
“A closer analysis of [virology jargon removed for brevity] revealed that the sophomore Class of 2028 was responsible for bringing random germs and cooties onto campus this time,” explained an email announcement sent out by the Health Center. “We apologize for the prejudice which led us to hastily assign blame to the freshmen, who are normally at fault for this shit.”
Sophomore flu, while well-known and extensively studied by the medical community, is a less common variant of IFV that differs on the genetic level by being one year older. Its symptoms are nearly identical to that of IFV, and the Health Center recommends the same prevention procedure: open the bathroom faucet, scrub both hands with soap, rinse both hands, and then shut the faucet off.
The Health Center received backlash from the Class of 2029 for their blunder, with many freshmen vocally expressing their disdain at being framed for the outbreak. “Oh, sure! It’s always IFV, huh?” student Bradley Lynx (MechE ‘29) sarcastically remarked. “As if there aren’t three other years’ worth of students plus grad school to consider. Me, I wash my hands once a day before bedtime, so don’t rope me into this. My habits are good.”
A spokesperson for the Health Center responded to The Hare’s request for comment and confirmed that it is still perfectly acceptable to blame freshmen for all other common problems, such as overcrowding the Stamp Student Union’s food court and walking into other people while staring at the floor.
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