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After adding new vending machines to McKeldin Library, the University of Maryland has decided that they will soon be replacing all bookshelves in the library with more vending machines. These new vending machines will contain not only various snacks but also drinks, school supplies, and many other goods.

When news of this huge change became public, many students reacted positively. Business student Stephanie Price commented, “Ain’t nobody wants to read some crusty old books, we wanna EAT,” while eating some Popcorners in the nap pod.

The University stated that every bookshelf on every floor will be replaced with vending machines of all sorts. Not a single bookshelf will be spared. Students will finally be fed on all floors with calories and sugar instead of knowledge (Yuck!). For those who don’t want snacks, there will be other vending machines dispensing drinks, hygiene products, condoms, Testudo bibles, answers for that one extremely tough class you’re taking, and many other goods more important than some old-ass books.

With the bookshelves soon to go, many students have taken it upon themselves to clear the books out early and throw them into a large pile in front of McKeldin Library. While some suggested burning the books for some warmth in the Maryland cold and windy-ass winter weather, the construction team, out of nowhere, showed up to take most of the books from the pile. When asked what they would do with the books, they answered, “Construction. Much. More. Construction.”

As UMD prepares to make its big move on McKeldin Library, many students have sent suggestions to Administration regarding the vending machine plan. Many have asked the University to add ChatGPT Premium to the vending machines to help them better cheat on their assignments, though this will likely come with a fee. Others have asked for the vending machine dispensing condoms to be much closer to the sex carrels (some big nerds would call them study carrels for some reason) to avoid being outside their carrels naked for too long.

Whatever it be, the University of Maryland will be sure not to disappoint when installing these vending machines on all floors of McKeldin Library. Some leaked documents from Administration have revealed plans to potentially implement these changes to other libraries, including Hornbake, and even have a text-to-speech feature that you cannot turn off.

Soon, McKeldin Library will have enough vending machines to rival the entire country of Japan and no dusty books to waste that space.