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For the first time ever in my career as a college student, I recently heard someone refer to themselves as a “pre-med.” I was like, “Um, isn’t ‘pre-school’ for little tiny baby children?” But they told me to Google it, because they were in a rush to get to their required Anatomy & Digestive Processes of Birds course. So I looked into it, and personally, I don’t think it seems that hard. I’ve broken it down to prove just how easy it is to be a “pre-med.”
1. Studying for the MCAT: I’ve resided in a human body my entire life (No, I’m not a gross little stinkbug who learned how to type), so I don’t think I need to study much. The exam is probably just stuff like “where is the elbow located,” or whatever.
2. Complaining about how hard your classes are: This one is easy. I already do that plenty, I’m literally an engineering student, and not a stinkbug. Even if I was a stinkbug, I could still be an engineering student, okay?
3. Being smart as shit: Let’s be honest, hard work won’t get you all the way. That’s why it’s good that highly intelligent humans like myself exist. You can tell I’m smart because I write for the Hare, and I have a brain that is large, larger than a few micrometers for sure.
4. Having the self-esteem to believe you can get through years of medical school: I have nothing better to do with my free time, I literally write for the Hare, so honestly, sign me up. I am also going to live for several years, and not six to eight months depending on my species and where I live.
5. Getting into a medical school: This one should be pretty simple, as long as the doors to the building are unlocked. I could also just crawl through a crevice—I mean, break in with a crowbar through a crevice.
6. Being delusional enough to believe you could actually be a doctor: Yes! I could definitely be responsible for the health of others, and make decisions that have the potential to end or extend a human life. These are my pre-med affirmations. Now that I think of it, being a doctor sounds like a pretty crazy adrenaline rush, and right now my lifestyle consists mostly of standing on floors and various vertical surfaces. I’m down.
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