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UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, COLLEGE PARK–Greetings and good day, fair students of College Park! I must say, my companions and I in the cavalry have of late found ourselves beset. It seems that now assembles a host of scalawags who claim our use of warhorses as a means of transport is “unethical.” This most unwelcome band of brigands has even resorted to littering the ground with warnings and messages, entreating us to “walk our steeds”. Ceaselessly they spit on our good name and our moral code, but I am resolute: I shall go point-by-point, and do noble battle with these slanderous accusations.

The first “argument” (as it is so styled by the lily-livered toadies who espouse it) against the use of warhorses in this fair land is that they pose some “danger” to the local villagers. This, I say, is total poppycock! If one such villager hears the whinny of the horse or the clanking of its armor, they should easily be able to dodge out of the way. ‘Tis no difficult task–if they should fail to do so before the steed is upon them, then it is they who bear the brunt of the blame for the trampling which is sure to follow.

The second “point” made up by those foul-hearted snivellers who oppose our noble activities is that our use of the horses is in some way an inconvenience, and, even more preposterous, that the existing channels of transportation are “not made for armored cavalry”. But this is no true obstacle–villagers who walk afoot may be easily shunted to the curb when the cavalry arrives, and should indeed be expected to stand aside for the convenience of all involved (a shout or verbal threat may hasten this process). In this way, paths may be reserved for their rightful users, that is, we on horseback.

Finally, I have heard some of those aforementioned bow-legged cowards even mention that improper use of stables (or in some areas, lack of stables at all) is some sort of issue–again preposterous! Horses–especially those bred for war–are intelligent beings; they can be left on any spot of ground and be expected to fend for themselves until their rider returns to retrieve them. Truly, anywhere is fine to deposit one’s mount–I myself have found the trail by Paint Branch Creek to be an excellent location!

In finality, to those who have been urged “caution” or “restraint” by these pedestrian scurvy-dogs, I pronounce to you: your behavior needs no rectification. Ignore such idle chatter, it is beneath you—merely the spawn of jealous lackwits who do not matter as you and I do.

Having now resoundingly defeated the claims of those who oppose our activities, I invite my fellow cavaliers to do the following: the next time you should spy some poor wretch you know to oppose your equestrian proclivities, shout forth “Tally Ho!” and trample them underhoof. As is your God-given right.