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Regents Drive – Following the on-campus “robbery” that occurred last Monday, an independent study was conducted that scientifically proved that taking out your wallet and giving money to strangers is an objectively shitty idea.

“We really didn’t think it needed to be said,” said Dr. Thadslick, the researcher heading the project, “Did any of these morons read about stranger danger in second grade? How the fuck did they even make it this far?”

The research comes after a slew of highly questionable crimes that occurred on campus in the wake of the “robbery”, including: identity fraud after multiple people yelled out their social security numbers when asked, credit card theft after students read their credit card numbers out loud when at ATMs, and the esteemed Diamondback newspaper getting hacked after they emailed the website password to the entire school.

Several students have also gone missing after reportedly entering white vans with the words “UmD fReE cAnDY” spray painted on the side alongside a badly painted portrait of Testudo’s face.

The UMD police have been hard at work attempting to apprehend these suspects, reportedly using tens of men spending minutes on each incident. Progress has been slow but steady, with the sudden retirement of many officers following an inexplicable rise in their credit score, and with the rest of the force faced with the grueling task of actually doing their fucking job.

The force has already apprehended potential thieves at Humpty Dumpty Memorial Elementary School for stealing lunch money, which the force has considered great progress in the situation on Campus.

Until these menaces to society are taught a lesson, as well as the thieves, it is likely that “Felenous Ururpings of Chump’s bucKs” (or FUCKs as it has been coined) will continue.

In other news, the same research study also suggested that falling off the Empire State Building could lead to injury, and that the sky is in fact blue.

Image Credits: Clare Dombrosky