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EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was recovered from Eric Stearns’ computer just hours after he was found dead in his apartment. No cause of death could be identified. We at The Hare decided to post this article unedited to honor his memory.

MARTIN HALL 1202 – Undecided engineering major Zeke Ng-Internship was murdered on the University of Maryland campus days ago after asking a consulting firm recruiter what consulting actually is at a Q&A event. 

Several students at the event immediately called the UMD police department’s emergency number, but UMPD closed the case after just 4 hours due to “no known leads.”

When asked why the case was closed so quickly, UMPD officer Paul Over had this to say: “We don’t handle consulting cases anymore. These firms are like if the Italian Mafia and the Yakuza had a baby, and it just is not worth the effort. We’ve tried to figure out what ‘consulting’ means, but they protect that secret more than the US government protects their nuclear codes.” 

Upon leaving the police station, our reporter heard a loud bang. Officer Over was found dead due to “mysterious causes” that day.

We soon realized that nobody on The Hare’s staff knew what consulting was either, so we immediately decided to conduct our own investigation into what this mysterious field actually is. 

One of our investigators managed to hear from a recently hired consultant at the same consulting firm who chose to remain anonymous. “I don’t actually know what consulting is either,” he whispered, quivering in fear. “I’m scared to ask because they might think I’m too stupid to keep the position.” Initially, our investigator chalked this response up to impostor syndrome, but after interviewing more consultants, we realized that almost nobody in the field knows what consulting is either.

The only reasonable lead we were able to find was asking a senior manager at the firm why the student was shot. She said, “If they ask what consulting is, then they’re already too close to finding the truth. Which means you’re already too close to finding the truth. Which means I’ve already told you too much, shit.” Immediately after saying this, she grabbed a small white capsule from her pocket and swallowed it before dropping dead.

Upon piecing together the evidence found by our investigators, I believe I was able to solve the mystery of what consulting is, and I will give you the answer right now in this article. Consulting is– Wait shit what was that noise uhhhh oh God no they’re in here they’ve found me ok before they get me I’m gonna write what consulting is so my death isn’t in vain– oh fuck they have a gun– consulting is a ca