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Part of the unique charm of the University of Maryland is its proximity to our beloved nation’s capital, Washington D.C. Welcome to the land of Hillternships, national monuments, and nightlife. Despite being only nine miles from the downtown area, generations of unfortunate, car-less Maryland students have faced the existential question: What’s the best way to get there? Through rigorous testing of all modes of transportation over the past five years, investigative reporters at The Hare have finally answered it. However, during our research, we discovered another burning question: “What’s the worst way to get there?” Buried in the vaults under Regents Drive Garage, we sought out after our new query.

At the end of our research journey, we walked away having compiled two different lists. Only given the chance to publish one, our top journalists deliberated on what was the most important for our student body to see. There was only one right choice. Without further ado, here are the top ten worst ways to get to Washington D.C.:

1. Take “Huey,” the campus’ abandoned helicopter

Did you really think she was “abandoned” just because of its shattered windows, deflated wheels, and overall lack of zing? Think again. Huey has dreams. Huey soars. Huey flies. Huey is a majestic creature only known to Maryland folk. Although mainly known among outsiders as a memorial of military service, she is most revered among students for its many late-night rescues from one of too many bars in DC to Ellicott Hall. 

1. Run

It’s been done before. No, seriously. Search it up.

1. Take the metro the right-side up

Avoiding paying for your SmartTrip metro card requires some out-of-the-box thinking. And by “out of the box,” of course, we mean laying on top of the metro train. Never again pay for a seat. Never again have to cling to a metal rod for dear life as you pray that someone gets off at the next stop so you can take their seat. Instead, you’ll be hanging onto a fast-moving metal machine and swiftly be thrown to the desired location. Stylish if done right!

1. Float down the Paint Branch trail river

Take your swimsuits down to Brendan Iribe and ride southbound through the river until it reaches the Potomac. It’s quick and easy. As long as you survive the local wildlife, rocky waters, and urban runoff.

1. Ride the Amtrak

Instead of suffering through the endless 5 PM traffic of Washington D.C., take your vehicle of choice to Baltimore Penn Station. It’s just twenty minutes away by train, not accounting for the one hour car ride. If it works to get to your home state for the holidays, we’re almost not-at-all certain that it would work just as well to get to D.C.

1. Fly on President Pines’ Private Jet

A little known fact about our university president is that he’s an aerospace engineer. An even littler known fact is that he created a private jet crafted in his likeness. We, at The Hare, can confirm that it does exist and it indeed can take you to Washington D.C. in under 15 minutes. We cannot, however, tell you its location or we will have our privileges formally revoked.  

1. Buy a fleet of UMD shuttle buses to bring you and your friends into the city

Ride them into the sunset like gladiators in their chariots, straight into the marbled halls of the Capitol Building.

1. Ask DOTS to kindly return your fleet of UMD shuttle buses

We’ve run the numbers. There is a 2% chance that they will say ‘yes.’

1. Hitchhike

Ask around! Perhaps someone will be willing to drive you for a daytrip to the city. For this option, we found the most terrible way to do this is to stand in the middle of the Yahentamitsi Dining Hall holding up a cardboard sign saying “Plz take me to D.C.” If you do not find anyone within an hour, you will be kindly escorted by dining hall staff off-campus and to your final destination anyways. 

1. Experience DC in Virtual Reality 

Revolutionize the way you see the white-faced neoclassical hallmarks of D.C. architecture. The UMD XR Club has brought the DC virtual experience to students around campus. Galen Stetsyuk tells us that it’s as good as the real thing. And with the way that this list has gone, we definitely agree. 

Being some of the most absolute garbage ideas perfectly refined by generations of students who attended this school, please refrain from trying any of the above. Especially the one about Pines’ private jet. Our journalists are risking fine dining experience aboard the Presidential Plane next week to give you all quality reporting. Don’t ruin it for us.