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In a historic event, America had its first Black, South Asian female candidate lose in a presidential election. In more predictable events, the University of Maryland has still not had a female president.
The United States, a country built on stealing as many things from as many groups of people as possible, might, at a first glance, appear to be a less progressive institution than a blue-state public university with so, so many, diversity and inclusion statements that would be so cool if they were implemented. But they have a lot more in common than you might think, and in ways that might bring a warm fuzzy feeling and a soft smile to Donald Trump’s face. Neither of them have had, nor probably will have, a female president in their history or in the next 30 years.
The University of Maryland, and surprisingly, President-elect Donald Trump, responded to our requests for comments.
“We’re so forward-thinking. Have you seen what our newest dining hall is named?” said a UMD representative. “Yahentamitsi, which translates to, ‘a place to go to eat at a university that has not had a female president in 168 years.’”
“Porcu-Pines could never get the millions, billions even, of votes I got,” Trump said when asked what he thinks about systemic gender inequality in positions of power.
UMD’s high salary for university presidents hasn’t gone unnoticed by students. While Darryll Pines makes a humble $914,000, the President of the United States makes $400,000 a year, coming in close at a barely noticeable difference of $514,000.
When asked why a woman has never held such a high-power position at the university, a UMD representative said, “A woman’s job is to be president of a university. Just at a lower-ranked university, like UMBC.”
Experts in Women’s B.S.* Studies explain that after Valerie Ashby became UMBC president in 2022, there were simply no more qualified women to be university presidents within 1348573245 miles and 2349875239 years. “They were probably all out shopping,” they explain.
(*Be Shopping.)
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